Feeling Unloved: Coping with Abandonment Issues Dating Tips
Feeling Unloved: Coping with Abandonment Issues Dating Tips
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Feeling Unloved: Coping with Abandonment Issues
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Dating Tips
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One of the worst feelings that I have ever experienced is that of feeling unloved. It is a feeling that is difficult to describe and even more difficult to vanquish. No matter how much love the unloved may have it doesn?t connect in that moment. In that moment, it is all wallowing, questioning, and sobbing.
As a child I felt unloved because my father abandoned me and my family. He was and still is an inconsistent father. Now, I can cope with the reality of half of my DNA, but there are still moments when I feel like that child. Lonely moments where I feel disregarded and in dire need of reassurance, particularly from my romantic partner.
This is expected. When the first man you ever loved leaves you the love of the ones who follow will always be questioned. And soon the pattern continues and one becomes an abandoholic ? a person who is attracted to unavailable partners. I was attracted to men who reminded me of my father. Now, I am an abandoholic who is trying to break the cycle with my new partner.
Still, I slip up. I feel unloved and the following feelings consume my heart and soul:
Isolation
Devastation when a relationship ends, no matter how deep or how long the relationship
Feelings of desertion if people don?t meet expectations
Immense disappointment
Fear he will leave when things aren?t perfect
Fear of rejection
Insecurity and self-doubt
A strong desire to abandon him/her to protect myself
Feeling unworthy, not important, and unloved
If you?ve experienced most of these emotions, you fear abandonment. Abandoholics can also fear being entrapped, the other extreme of wanting to be committed in order to feel loved. Those who fear to this extreme will run away from relationships all together, becoming involved with partners who lack understanding and respect. It all comes down to maintaining control and keeping our vulnerabilities intact.
Eventually, the flood gates open. Fear builds when it is not confronted. Instead of feeling carefree when an already doomed relationship fails, the abandoholic feels rejected. The rejection seeps into our core as the pattern continues. Insecurity festers, waiting for the right moment to strike with an impulsive reaction, an emotional outburst, and ultimately, a deep seated feeling of unworthiness.
Today, I felt unloved. At the very moment I tapped away at the keys, I was frightened that my boyfriend didn?t love me. The harder I pounded on the keys the harder my heart pumped. I could not escape the feeling and so I decided to write.
It is a shame that after 22 years I am still coping with abandonment. It is a shame that I feel unloved as I have so much abundance and love in my life. But when one suffers from abandonment issues it is easy to revert to an insecure girl/boy who hid herself/himself from the world. It is easy to see an unreturned call as a disappearing act. What is not easy is waiting for this feeling to pass. It is so hard to ignore; so difficult to turn off. So I sat there. I sat there and bled onto the page, knowing I will return to center just as I know the fear will return.
Sex on the First Date: Do Men Think You?re a Slut? Dating Tips
Sex on the First Date: Do Men Think You?re a Slut? Dating Tips
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Sex on the First Date: Do Men Think You?re a Slut?
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Dating Tips
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It?s finally here ? the big night. You?ve met up with the guy you?ve been crushing on for awhile. And D-A-M-N he looks fine. So you have sex on the first date and then think, fuck, does he now think I?m a slut?
The guy doesn?t even have to be a long-term crush. You chat with a cute guy at a bar, and he seems fabulous enough, so you take him home. Here comes that nagging thought again: shit, am I going to hear from him again? You just don?t know!
Let?s get to the bottom of this, shall we? I asked the my brother, a matured, former college frat boy, to give us insight on this question: when you have sex on the first date, does the man think you?re a slut? According to my brother, there are a few factors.
The Situation
An Established Connection
If you text and talk to your guy 24/7, you obliviously have a connection prior to your first date. It is far less likely he will slut-shame you. He is already in the process of getting to know you and sees you as a person ? not a piece of ass.
Mr. Random
If you meet a guy and take him home after two hours of conversation, he may get the wrong idea about you as a person. From a guy?s POV, he?ll wonder: does this girl do this with every guy? But wait! Before you get too upset about hooking up with the random guy, he may not have entirely ruled you out. It?s now up to chemistry?
Chemistry
Where there?s chemistry there are exceptions to the rule. Many women disregard slutty behavior if we like the guy, and men do the same. I know a CEO of a Fortune 500 company who slept with his current wife the first night they met. Their chemistry was so undeniable, he proposed to her at an Aerosmith concert two weeks after their sexual encounter. He never deemed her as less of a woman because she gave up her goods immediately.
So maybe you can be the exception, or maybe this happens more than we think. It?s a tricky situation that?s dependent on the perspective of the female and male involved. From my perspective, it?s safer to make the guy wait. If he really likes you or sees potential in your relationship, he might be even happy to wait. Maybe not when he?s drunk and horny, but when he is sober he will think highly of you and be more willing to pursue you.
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